Y

now i know how it feels to be jealous.... yung tipong wala na kayo, matagal na, naka move on ka na pero nung makita mong may kasama siyang iba, may kirot pa rin.

i know for a fact that i have moved on. walang duda dun. i'm happy right now. i don't even miss him anymore. but seeing him with someone else for the first time made me think that it could have been me. ganto pala ang feeling.

i know this will just pass. it's just funny because i didn't expect that i would feel this way.

oh well.

ओल्ड song

it feels like im experiencing deja vu. why? because you are doing the exact same things that broke my heart last december. you don't text, you don't even answer my calls. i have made all the effort to win you back although it should be you who's doing everything to win ME back. but it's okay. i'm not complaining. why? because i want you. i want us to make things work. i want us to be together. why? because i love you.

i have loved you for so long... since we were in elementary. surprised? i bet you are. nobody knew about this. this is my little secret. it has been a secret until now. i decided to tell you coz it will help to make you understand why i am doing everything i can to have you.

but it seems like i am losing you... AGAIN. the thing that hurts me most about this is not because you are not making an effort, but because it seems like you are taking me for granted. not only me but my feelings for you.

i no longer know how to make peace with my mind... it's telling me to let you go. that i have lost the battle. that no matter how i try, the decision to stay or go is in your hands. that i do not have the power to make you change your mind once you decided to move on.

i am at a crossroad where i have to make a very hard decision.

will i let you go and have a certain peace of mind?

or should i fight for what we used to have but suffer during the process?

then a thought came, will i be able to live with myself if i let you go? maybe.

i have never thought before that it is possible for me to let you go. that it would be best to just move on with my life without you.

this is the dilemma i am experiencing right now. i have to decide what to do.

am i strong enough to let you go?


i do not have the vaguest idea if or when you will be able to read this. and i also know that being the sensitive man that you are, some of what i have said here might hurt you. but i am just trying to clear this off my chest coz i am going crazy living day after day and pretending that everything's okay. i am not okay. i am hurting and i want answers from you.

spring awakening

funny how loneliness in the midst of a buzzing city can make one's priorities get back to the straight and the narrow.

i don't wanna be here manila. period.

i don't wanna work here in manila. period.

i love bicol. i could get through the minor and major problems in my life as long as i am there.

besides i made a promise to my lola.

i will be in bicol... SOON.

yey!

i will be home soon.

super excited.

अगेन

AGAIN

now that i am here in Manila, again, maybe i should get back to blogging again. the internet is huge enough to store all my little stories that i usually write.

now, i am starting all over again. searching for a job. applying for the job. going through the usual interviews. been there, done that. what i wanna know now is for how long will i be in the call center industry? is this all i can master to do? what's in store for me in the future?

i don't know.

i wish i have the will power and the courage to travel a different route.

but for the meantime, i have to stay in this mundane world so i can pursue my dreams later.

thy will be done.

one last cry

Listening to let me be the one by Jimmy Bondoc….

This made me realize that there were a lot of things that I wasn’t able to tell Louie before we broke up….

I wasn’t able to tell him that I loved him most.

I wasn’t able to tell him that although it ended the way it did, I was still thankful of the times that we were together because somehow, someway, he made me feel loved and wanted.

I wasn’t able to tell him that all the pain he caused me were worth it. Maybe not in the eyes of other people but it was for me.

I wasn’t able to tell him that I could still be a friend to him. After all, I still believe that I knew him quite well. And I still believe that I was the only one whom he can fully be himself and let his guard down without him having to worry how I would react.

There were a lot of things that I wasn’t able to tell him.
Maybe I won’t be able to tell him these things anymore. But I still hope that I could….

If we can’t be the best of lovers, we could be the best of friends. Or just friends. Whatever fate grants us.

Maybe time will come when we would be able to sit down and talk about all these things. Maybe we won’t. who knows?

What I know now is that while I am thinking of what used to be, I no longer shed tons of tears. My eyes glisten from the ghost of the past but it doesn’t hurt anymore.
This is it. This is the end of it.

Fade to black. Cue music. Fade in ONE LAST CRY.

nine

9:48PM
March 10, 2010

Sometimes I ask myself why I have to go through all of these problems…. Sometimes I don’t even understand why I am being given these problems….

I want to believe that He only gives us the trials that we can handle, that He knows the capacity of our own heart and that He is planning something bigger and better in store for us in the future. But at times like this, when I have nothing, I have no one, what else am I supposed to think? Who else am I supposed to hold on to?

I want to count my blessings. I really do. I have been trying to do just that. But my loneliness and hopelessness doesn’t go away. Sometimes I feel like my sanity’s finally reached its limit. That I am on the brink of insanity. But I hold on. I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel….

But when will this end? For how long will I be tested? I can only take so much. Please dear God….

क्ष-mas

it's been a year but it feels like it was yesterday....

i'm still as lost as i was last year. i'm still as confused as i ever was. the only thing that changed was the date and the year on the calendar. damn. i must be doing something wrong.

oh hell.