क्ष-mas

it's been a year but it feels like it was yesterday....

i'm still as lost as i was last year. i'm still as confused as i ever was. the only thing that changed was the date and the year on the calendar. damn. i must be doing something wrong.

oh hell.

empty

too many emotions... can't bottle them up any longer... feels like will explode anytime soon....

raw emotions. feelings that were kept hidden for such a long time. forgotten and consciously tacked away for safe keeping and never to be opened again.

lately, i've been experiencing emotions that are too painful to even think about. i can succumb to the feeling and just let it all out once and for all. so that after all this years, i will be free from th emotional baggage i have bee carrying. i know it will make me feel so much better. but i choose not to feel. i don't wanna get hurt anymore.

i know i've said that i have moved on from the last relationship. i have. but i'm still bruised and battered. whatever it is that i have to dace, i know i have to face it sooner or later. but for now, i will just gather my strenght first so that i won't break when it is time to finally face my demons from the past.

let me be strong even for just a while. or at least pretend to be strong.

the only thing that's making me go on day by day is the thought that everyday i get closer to finally be happy. what's keeping me from surrendering the fight is the hope that one day, all of this will be over and i can finally close that chapter of my life and i can hold my head high and say "I DID IT." i have faith in myself and to that someone out there who watches over us. i know HE will make things better for me, for us. i know that all of these are just preparations for something better, something wonderful.

for now, let me just feel my sadness. let me engulf myself with words and feel the pain emanate from each word, each letter. coz for now, this is just what i am prepared and ready to do.

i am such a coward.

finally

i can finally say that i have already moved on.

but i cried yesterday. i heard THE love songs that made me remember the times when we were still together. but it doesnt matter. as i've mentioned to K, i dont miss him anymore. what i miss is the feeling of having someone to love and being loved back in return.

i am such a hopeless romantic.

when i cry and i dont know why, i just think it's an old wound trying to heal. i've read this in an article in PDI years ago but i never forgot it. i think the reason for this is that i have been crying all my life for all those old wounds to finally heal.

but i am happy now. as happy as i can be... for the moment.

there will come a time when my words will be like a melody born out of the love that i will feel for that special someone.

someday. someday soon.

i think i saw you last night at the park.

no. i know i saw you last night. i was sitting on the bench, too tired to walk. i was chatting so my head was bowed, not really caring what's happening around me. music's so loud in my ears. when i looked up, i saw a familiar figure walking toward me. i know that body, that walk. i didnt see your face. i dont have to see your face to know it was you. i just knew.

then something happened that i really can't explain.

i just bolted upright and walked away from you, not caring to look back. i was half running. it was instinct. i just knew i had to get out of there, get as far away from you as i could.

now, when i come to think about it, i guess my intinct's acting against you. it doesnt want to suffer another tormenting blow from you. not anymore.

when i got back home, i wished i stayed so i could have talke to you. straighten things out. maybe we could have had the closure i wanted.

but it did not happen that way.

i guess it just was not meant to be.... at least not yet.

only time can tell.


glitter-graphics.com

"freedom is good." - gretchen barreto in an interview

Love this! hahaha yeah, freedom really is good. i am enjoying my life so much more now.

live life.
love life.
laugh often.
love some more.


glitter-graphics.com

"when it comes to relationships, what are we fighting for?" - sarah jessica parker, sex in the city

oo nga naman. what are we fighting for? the right to love and be loved? hindi rin.

the right to "own" a person and to be able to say "he's mine"? hindi rin.

maybe it's the right to feel alive through loving someone. really loving a person with all your heart and soul. maybe it's a fight to love. period. that's it, no questions asked. no hesitations. no regrets.


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"di na kayang makinig ng puso ko sa mga paliwanag mo, dave." - kim tiu, tayong dalawa

yeah, i have felt this, not too long ago. there comes a time in our loves that we have to say goodbye not coz we want to but because we need to. we know we have to stop because the pain is too great, too consuming. sometimes, we feel like we have to stop it before we completely lose ourselves.


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"thank you for breaking my heart coz you made me stronger." ta yen, one afternoon

there, she said it.

when we were walking home that night, i thought...

what have i learned after all of these? NEVER AGAIN.


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"before i even prayed Father, you answered" francis m. quoted from his blog

faith.

thy will be done my Lord, coz you know the achings of our hearts... coz you know what's best for us. coz i know you love me, as much as you love all the others.


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"mahal mo ba ako? sobra sobra. kahit minsan mali na." mariceel soriano, quoted from one of her movies

yeah... i tried to love him when it hurts, i tried to love until it hurts no more. i only got to the hurting part. he didn't make it stop. so i have to. on my own. alone.


glitter-graphics.com

"things that scare us the most? things we dont understand. coz after that, we turn to assumptions." morgan freeman, finding forester

i always try to undedrstand the things that are happening. i always try to open my eyes and try to see things as they really are. but i cant. i get blinded and side tracked by love. hays....

love hurt laugh cry
love some more.
hurt move on
not easy though.
stand cheer
smile some more.

i am me.
love me, hate me.

i am a cheater and i will keep on cheating until i am able to either escape or fill this void.

comments, suggestions, violent reactions?

define cheater?

read NEW MOON, chapter 5 and you'll understand.

let the world know my heart's breaking
let the whole world see my pain
let the world feel what it's like
to have their hearts torn apart.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

a smile
a laugh
i am a clown

pain masked with colors
hurt muffled by a sound
i am a pretender

eyes twinkle with glee
blood rushing through my vains
all gone, all gone

when you left and went away
the world's gone mad, won't even let me be

seasons change, memories fade
people come and go
but here i am, still in love with you

songs end
rivers flow
time passes by
yet here i am, can't even get over you.

wounds heal
shed tears dry
but my heart will always ask why.


glitter-graphics.com

seasons change, memories fade

people come and go

but here i am, still in love with you.



songs end, rivers flow

time passes by

yet here i am, cant get over you.



wounds heal

shed tears dry

but my heart will always ask why.


glitter-graphics.com