a gift from the past

minsan kasi, mas tamang manahimik na lang kesa ipagsigawan ang nararamdaman. anong laban ko sa mundong bingi at sa taong sadyang nag bibingi-bingihan?

eto ang natutunan ko.

sa totoo lang, gustung-gusto kitang ipaglaban noon. gusto kong lumaban kahit alam kong sa una pa lang e talo nako. wala na sakin ang puso mo e. pero naniniwala pa rin ako noon na sa takdang panahon, mapapasakin itong muli.

di ba ganun sa mga pelikula? lalayo ang lalaki. mag kakarelasyon sa iba, pero sa bandang huli ay babalik pa rin dun sa babaeng bida.

ganun ako dati. feeling ko nasa telebisyon din ako at kaya kong diktahan ang script ng buhay ko.

nung tumagal, nag sawa na rin siguro ang puso ko. o baka naman, ang utak ko na ang sumuko sa kakaisip at kakahintay kung kelan ka ba talaga muling babalik.

sabi ng tita ko, impostor daw ako.

impostor nga ba ako?

nag kukubli nga lang ba ako sa takot kaya di ko masabing siya pa rin ang hinihintay ko?

mukhang hindi na. sana hindi na.

kasi nung natuto akong manahimik, nung natuto akong kalimutang isipin sya, natutunan ko ring mahalin ang sarili ko.

kung dati'y okay lang sakin na masaktan basta't anjan sya, ngayon di na pwede yun.

kung dati'y parating nauuna yung kung ano ang gusto at kung ano ang mararamdaman nya, ngayon mas importante yung kung saan ako magiging masaya at kung ano ang gusto ko.

natutunan kong umibig muli nung mga panahong pinipilit kong matuto na wala sya sa buhay ko.

umibig akong muli.

at sa tingin ko, ito ang pinaka magandang regalong nakuha ko mula sa relasyon na yun.

minahal ko ang sarili ko.

my bleeding heart

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when i saw this in So You Think You Can Dance, i didn't know what to feel. i was so overwhelmed with emotions. nasabi ko na lang, TUMPAK!

i could see the subtle manipulations of the guy. i could see how the girl so willingly fell for the trap. i could see every twist and turn of the menacing plot to break her heart.

and then he walked away.

common!

naka relate ako ng bonggang bongga!

i cried after the dance.

parang sa totoong buhay lang.

umiyak din ako nun e.

enough na nga ba?

ta yen and i have been talking about my cousin's never ending story with her ex. don't get me wrong, though. he is already married and she already has a boyfriend. but every time he comes home, they always get together and talk. and from what we can see, she seems happier than the usual.

as ta yen said, we can just let her be happy even for just a while. even if those times were just really stolen moments from their lives. she said that someday, i will soon join their ranks. the best ladies of the exes still waiting. i told her that i don't want that kind of life. that i have had enough of the pain from a love that could never be.

she said i can never really be sure because Camilla wasn;t e\able to turn her back when Prince Charles came running back to her.

hayst.

the heart of a man is really tricky and confusing most of the times.

then this got me thinking.

am i really strong enough to say no to him if ever the time comes when he comes back? will i have the courage to move on from him?

as of now, i can most definitely say that i am through with him. that i have had enough of his transgressions, lies and infidelities.

but i am not closing any doors. but i am surely opening the windows and the roof. i am widening my horizon, hoping to find MY man.

only time can tell if i will be able to resist him.

but for now, NEXT na muna.

nakakapagod din kasi na sya na lang lagi. siya na nga lang lagi, di naman nag babago ang story namin.

parati na lang lokohan, bolahan.

this time, i want a relationship where i can clearly see a bright future for both of us.

sana.

sana.

sana.

Y

now i know how it feels to be jealous.... yung tipong wala na kayo, matagal na, naka move on ka na pero nung makita mong may kasama siyang iba, may kirot pa rin.

i know for a fact that i have moved on. walang duda dun. i'm happy right now. i don't even miss him anymore. but seeing him with someone else for the first time made me think that it could have been me. ganto pala ang feeling.

i know this will just pass. it's just funny because i didn't expect that i would feel this way.

oh well.

ओल्ड song

it feels like im experiencing deja vu. why? because you are doing the exact same things that broke my heart last december. you don't text, you don't even answer my calls. i have made all the effort to win you back although it should be you who's doing everything to win ME back. but it's okay. i'm not complaining. why? because i want you. i want us to make things work. i want us to be together. why? because i love you.

i have loved you for so long... since we were in elementary. surprised? i bet you are. nobody knew about this. this is my little secret. it has been a secret until now. i decided to tell you coz it will help to make you understand why i am doing everything i can to have you.

but it seems like i am losing you... AGAIN. the thing that hurts me most about this is not because you are not making an effort, but because it seems like you are taking me for granted. not only me but my feelings for you.

i no longer know how to make peace with my mind... it's telling me to let you go. that i have lost the battle. that no matter how i try, the decision to stay or go is in your hands. that i do not have the power to make you change your mind once you decided to move on.

i am at a crossroad where i have to make a very hard decision.

will i let you go and have a certain peace of mind?

or should i fight for what we used to have but suffer during the process?

then a thought came, will i be able to live with myself if i let you go? maybe.

i have never thought before that it is possible for me to let you go. that it would be best to just move on with my life without you.

this is the dilemma i am experiencing right now. i have to decide what to do.

am i strong enough to let you go?


i do not have the vaguest idea if or when you will be able to read this. and i also know that being the sensitive man that you are, some of what i have said here might hurt you. but i am just trying to clear this off my chest coz i am going crazy living day after day and pretending that everything's okay. i am not okay. i am hurting and i want answers from you.