spring awakening

funny how loneliness in the midst of a buzzing city can make one's priorities get back to the straight and the narrow.

i don't wanna be here manila. period.

i don't wanna work here in manila. period.

i love bicol. i could get through the minor and major problems in my life as long as i am there.

besides i made a promise to my lola.

i will be in bicol... SOON.

yey!

i will be home soon.

super excited.

अगेन

AGAIN

now that i am here in Manila, again, maybe i should get back to blogging again. the internet is huge enough to store all my little stories that i usually write.

now, i am starting all over again. searching for a job. applying for the job. going through the usual interviews. been there, done that. what i wanna know now is for how long will i be in the call center industry? is this all i can master to do? what's in store for me in the future?

i don't know.

i wish i have the will power and the courage to travel a different route.

but for the meantime, i have to stay in this mundane world so i can pursue my dreams later.

thy will be done.

one last cry

Listening to let me be the one by Jimmy Bondoc….

This made me realize that there were a lot of things that I wasn’t able to tell Louie before we broke up….

I wasn’t able to tell him that I loved him most.

I wasn’t able to tell him that although it ended the way it did, I was still thankful of the times that we were together because somehow, someway, he made me feel loved and wanted.

I wasn’t able to tell him that all the pain he caused me were worth it. Maybe not in the eyes of other people but it was for me.

I wasn’t able to tell him that I could still be a friend to him. After all, I still believe that I knew him quite well. And I still believe that I was the only one whom he can fully be himself and let his guard down without him having to worry how I would react.

There were a lot of things that I wasn’t able to tell him.
Maybe I won’t be able to tell him these things anymore. But I still hope that I could….

If we can’t be the best of lovers, we could be the best of friends. Or just friends. Whatever fate grants us.

Maybe time will come when we would be able to sit down and talk about all these things. Maybe we won’t. who knows?

What I know now is that while I am thinking of what used to be, I no longer shed tons of tears. My eyes glisten from the ghost of the past but it doesn’t hurt anymore.
This is it. This is the end of it.

Fade to black. Cue music. Fade in ONE LAST CRY.

nine

9:48PM
March 10, 2010

Sometimes I ask myself why I have to go through all of these problems…. Sometimes I don’t even understand why I am being given these problems….

I want to believe that He only gives us the trials that we can handle, that He knows the capacity of our own heart and that He is planning something bigger and better in store for us in the future. But at times like this, when I have nothing, I have no one, what else am I supposed to think? Who else am I supposed to hold on to?

I want to count my blessings. I really do. I have been trying to do just that. But my loneliness and hopelessness doesn’t go away. Sometimes I feel like my sanity’s finally reached its limit. That I am on the brink of insanity. But I hold on. I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel….

But when will this end? For how long will I be tested? I can only take so much. Please dear God….

क्ष-mas

it's been a year but it feels like it was yesterday....

i'm still as lost as i was last year. i'm still as confused as i ever was. the only thing that changed was the date and the year on the calendar. damn. i must be doing something wrong.

oh hell.

empty

too many emotions... can't bottle them up any longer... feels like will explode anytime soon....

raw emotions. feelings that were kept hidden for such a long time. forgotten and consciously tacked away for safe keeping and never to be opened again.

lately, i've been experiencing emotions that are too painful to even think about. i can succumb to the feeling and just let it all out once and for all. so that after all this years, i will be free from th emotional baggage i have bee carrying. i know it will make me feel so much better. but i choose not to feel. i don't wanna get hurt anymore.

i know i've said that i have moved on from the last relationship. i have. but i'm still bruised and battered. whatever it is that i have to dace, i know i have to face it sooner or later. but for now, i will just gather my strenght first so that i won't break when it is time to finally face my demons from the past.

let me be strong even for just a while. or at least pretend to be strong.

the only thing that's making me go on day by day is the thought that everyday i get closer to finally be happy. what's keeping me from surrendering the fight is the hope that one day, all of this will be over and i can finally close that chapter of my life and i can hold my head high and say "I DID IT." i have faith in myself and to that someone out there who watches over us. i know HE will make things better for me, for us. i know that all of these are just preparations for something better, something wonderful.

for now, let me just feel my sadness. let me engulf myself with words and feel the pain emanate from each word, each letter. coz for now, this is just what i am prepared and ready to do.

i am such a coward.

finally

i can finally say that i have already moved on.

but i cried yesterday. i heard THE love songs that made me remember the times when we were still together. but it doesnt matter. as i've mentioned to K, i dont miss him anymore. what i miss is the feeling of having someone to love and being loved back in return.

i am such a hopeless romantic.

when i cry and i dont know why, i just think it's an old wound trying to heal. i've read this in an article in PDI years ago but i never forgot it. i think the reason for this is that i have been crying all my life for all those old wounds to finally heal.

but i am happy now. as happy as i can be... for the moment.

there will come a time when my words will be like a melody born out of the love that i will feel for that special someone.

someday. someday soon.