i hate not knowing what to do.

right now, they're pressuring us to make a major step that i'm not yet ready to do.

you see, the thing is, i'm really not the party going kinda chick. i may look like it, but i'm not. i love love love the simple life that provinces offer. i love looking at the sunset and being with the ocean. i am at peace here.

i don't wanna go. i didn't do it for him when it could've saved what we had back then.

it's so hard to make a decision.

i don't want the thought that i can only come back here for a short period of time. and that would be what, once or twice a year?

i promised myself that i will not live a life that revolves around work. no. career is a bouncing ball. just like what suzanne said ih her dairy for nicholas.

but somehow, i want something to change. i still don't know what it is, but i want change. yes, this is because of what happened between us. and yes, i am still very much affected by what he did.

so what am i gonna do?

que sera sera?

singin' my heart out

i think this songs best explains what i am feeling right now...

Just So You Know - Jesse McCartney

I shouldn't love you, but I want too.
I just can't turn away. I shouldn't see you, but I can't move.
I can't look away.

I shouldn't love you, but I want too.
I just can't turn away.
I shouldn't see you, but I can't move.
I can't look away.

And I don't know, how to be fine when I'm not.
Cause I don't know, how to make the feeling stop.
Just so you know

This feeling's taking control of me, and I can't help it.
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now.
Thought you should know, I tried my best to let go of you,
but I don't want too.
I just gotta say it all before I go.
Just so you know.

It's getting hard to, be around you.
There's so much I can't say.
Do you want me to have the feelings?
And look the other way.

And I don't know, how to be fine when I'm not.
Cause I don't know, how to make the feeling stop.
Just so you know.

This feeling's taking control of me, and I can't help it.
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now.
Thought you should know, I tried my best to let go of you,
but I don't want too.
Just gotta say it all before I go. (Just so you know)

This emptiness is killing me, I'm wonderin' why I've waited so long.
Looking back I realize, it was always there, just never spoken.
I'm waiting here, been waiting here.

Just so you know, this feeling's take control of me,
and I can't help it.
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now.
Thought you should know, I tried my best to let go of you,
but I don't want too.
Just gotta say it all before I go.
Just so you know.
(Whoa, Just so you know, Whoa,Thought you should know.)

I tried my best to let go of you, but I don't want too.
Just gotta say it all before I go, just so you know.

Just so you know.

hay... life....

i don't know how to say goodbye.

i don't wanna say goodbye.

but i have to.

coz holding on to something that no longer exists is just too painful for my fragile heart.

my heart and my mind are telling me two different things.

i don't know what to do.

i don't know what to think.

i don't wanna think.

my heart does all the thinking.

it's telling me to stay.

i can't stay.

not this time.

sabi ko:

it was fun chasing an illusion.
it gave me a reason to be happy even if it wasn't real.
but any chase surely has to end.
i'm just disappointed coz when it did end,
i was left with nothing but a memory of something that never existed.

sabi nya:

it is better to cry than to be angry
coz anger hurts others
while tears flow silently through the soul
and cleanses the heart.

you were once a dream
a beautiful dream
i can't seem to get enough of you
the night became an intimate friend
you were there
with me

then the dream came to life
life's at its best
i couldn't ask for more
you were there
with me

i woke up
you were not a dream
you were there
with me

you used to be there
with me

now, i have to live a life full of your memories
memories that haunt me in my sleep and in my waking hours
you are not here
no longer here

i should've let you stay in my dream
you should've been just a dream.
just a dream.