confessions of a lost soul

a nomadic life

2011-05-24T07:05:00.000-07:00

"sain naman ako ma-stay?"

i cannot even begin to think how to put words for what i feel today. i try to ignore it, but it just creeps back to my reality. i have nothing.

ang hirap tumawa 'pag alam mong pagdating ng gabi at nag kumot na ang dilim sa kalupaan ay aagos na naman ang mga luha.

sana lang may silbi ang luhang to.

ang hirap-hirap naman kasi. ang hirap mag isip. pero bukas, sigurado pag labas ko, walang makakapagsabi na bitbit ko ang matinding problema. galing ko kasing artista. minsan nga sa sobrang galing ko, pati sarili ko napapaniwala ko na din sa mga kalokohang sinasabi ko.

sa akbilang banda, naisip ko na siguro malaki ang tiwala sakin ng Diyos kasi binibigyan nya ako ng mga gantong problema. siguro, tingin Nya kaya ko to. sana nga.

kasi minsan di ko na din alam kung san pa ako huhugot ng lakas. minsan di ko na din alam kung pano at saan kukuha ng dahilan para tumawa. pero di ako pwedeng bumigay na lang.

alam kong kelangan kong lumaban. para sakin, para sa pamilya ko.

Please help me GOD. i can t do this alone.

MLKI

2011-03-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

naisip ko lang...

nakakatuwang isipin na MINSAN minahal kita.

oo, sobrang minahal kita, walang duda dun. pero yun din ang point ko e, SOBRA. sabi nila, lahat daw ng sobra mali.

mali nga ata.

dahil nung mga panahong yun, mas minahal kita kesa sa sarili ko. mas pinili kong unahin ang mga bagay na sa tingin ko makapag papaligaya sayo. kahit na sa mga pagkakataong yun, AKALA ko lang pala na magiging masaya ka.

AKALA ko kasi kilala na kita e.

hinding hindi pala talaga kita makikilala ng lubusan kasi madami kang sikreto. kahit nga sa sarili mo pinipili mong magsinungaling. sakin pa kaya?

mali talaga ako dun. sumobra e.

dahil sobra ang pagmamahal ko sayo, nagkulang naman ako sa pagmamahal sa sarili ko. yung ang mas nakakalungkot. minsan kasi, TANGA ako pag dating sa pag ibig. TANGA at pinipiling maging tanga kasi AKALA ko noon, ganun yung dapat.

pero eto alam kong totoo.

pinili kong magpakatanga kasi alam kong yun LANG ang tanging paraan para magtagal tayo. kasi kung nakinig ako nun sa utak ko, di tayo nag tagal. kaso hindi e. masyado akong nagpakaromantiko. masyado akong nagpaka gaga.

natakot kasi ako noon na baka di ko na kayaning mag mahal ulit pag nawala ka pa. binuhos ko ang lahat sayo e.

pero ngayon, masaya ako. masaya ako dahil natutunan ko na kaya ko pala ulit mag mahal.

kaya ko na kasi BUO na ulit ako. buo na ulit ang pagkatao ko.

kaya ko na kasi natutunan kong muli kung pano mahalin ang sarili ko.

at OO, handa nakong umibig muli.

natalie sod

2011-02-21T07:21:00.000-08:00

my angel

2010-09-01T22:43:00.000-07:00

y

2010-06-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

alam kong ikaw yun. kilala ko ang boses mo.

alam kong ikaw yun. kasi alam ko ang reaksyon ng puso ko kapag ikaw ang kausap.

oo, aminado ako dun. di pa rin yun nagbabago. pero ngayon, iba na. parehong reaksyon, ibang nararamdaman.

sabi ko nga, kahit anino mo kilala ko.

bakit naman kasi kelangan mo pang mag kunwari? kelangan mo ba malaman kung ano magiging reaksyon? were you hoping na makikilala kita and in the process unmask you right there and then?

tapos na ang tanga tanga mode ko para sayo. lumipas na yun.

masaya sana ako kasi kahit papano, naisipan mo mag reach out.

di naman kita sasaktan. wala akong ibang hangad kundi ang maging kaibigan kang muli.

pero pano ba kita mapag kakatiwalaa kung sa una pa lang, lokohan na naman.

lokohan na nga noon, pati ba naman ngayon?

tama na.

sana sa susunod na gusto mo akong makausap, wag ka ng mag kunwari pa.

tapos na naman ang lahat.

tinapos mo na.

tinalikuran ko na rin ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko para sayo.

tama na.

sana bagong simula na lang ng pag kakaibigan.

Bob Ong’s Philosophy on Love

2010-06-07T08:38:00.000-07:00

1.”Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya..”

2. “Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba.”

3. “Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang.”

4. “Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na.”

5. “Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin.”

6. “Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din.”

7. “Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang.”

8. “Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa.”

9. “Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang.”

10. “Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una.”
11. “Hindi porke’t madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa.”

12. “Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka.”

13. “Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority.”

14. “Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya.”

15. “Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo.”

16. “Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala”

17. “Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan”

18. “Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!”

19. “Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal…nakakatakot mahulog…at kapag nahulog ka, it’s either by accident or talagang tanga ka…”

20. “walang taong manhid…hindi niya lang talaga maintindihan kung ano ang gusto mong iparating dahil ayaw mo siyang diretsuhin..”

21. “kahit ikaw ay parang bato na manhid at walang pakiramamdam, mag ingat-ingat ka naman, dahil kahit ganyan ka, hindi nasasaktan, kaya mo namang makasakit”

22. “Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo."

23. “Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang.”

24. “Bakit ba ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? alam ba nilang pag natuto silang umibig e hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila?

25. “Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka.”

---> been reading BOB ONG's quotes for so long now. been addicted to the text message version as well. have read some of his earlier works when i was in college.

this time, i just wanna have this on my blog. for reference purposes. LOL

paulo coelho

2010-06-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

"There is always someone in the world waiting for someone else, whether in the middle of the desert or in the heart of some big city. And when these two people’s paths cross and their eyes meet, the whole of the past and the whole of the future lose all importance, and there only exists that moment and that incredible certainty that everything under the Sun was written by the very same Hand. The Hand that awakens Love and creates a sister soul for everyone who works, rests and seeks treasures under the Sun. Were it not for this, the dreams of the human race would make no sense." -Warrior of Light

this makes me feel so much better.

ang sarap isiping may isang tao na AKO ang hinahanap. hindi dahil kilala niya ako o kung ano pa man, kundi dahil ako ang hinahanap ng puso niya.

i've been in this rot for so long now. i don't mean to. i just feel things more deeply than other people. so when i love, i love with my whole being. and when i get hurt, it cuts through my soul.

i love as intense as i could.

ba't ba kasi ganto na naman ang nararamdaman ko?

kelan ba talagang mag react ako ng ganto dahil sa nabasa ko?

sabi niya kasi sa isa niyang post (di ko sya friend sa fb. nag kataon lang na yung brother nya na friend ko nag comment dun sa post kaya ko nakita. at nag explain talaga ako.)

and i quote " " i'm a victim of endless unfortunate real love" --------- dahil sa mga babaero ang karamihang lalaki ngayon,nadadamay ako,...mag pakatino na nga kayo,.."

madaming nag comment. nasabi nya din na siya lagi ang biktima.

di naman fair yun.

hanggang ngayon kasi i still feel the pain of his betrayals and infidelity.

pero mabuit na rin yun.

i realized kasi na may mga bagay at pagkakataon sa buhay na hindi dapat kalimutan kailanman.

yun lang kasi ang paraan para yung mga lessons learned ay di rin mawala sa isip.

sayang nga naman ng lahat ng luha kung kalilimutan lang yun.

oh well.

karma na yun sakanya.

a gift from the past

2010-05-29T06:40:00.000-07:00

minsan kasi, mas tamang manahimik na lang kesa ipagsigawan ang nararamdaman. anong laban ko sa mundong bingi at sa taong sadyang nag bibingi-bingihan?

eto ang natutunan ko.

sa totoo lang, gustung-gusto kitang ipaglaban noon. gusto kong lumaban kahit alam kong sa una pa lang e talo nako. wala na sakin ang puso mo e. pero naniniwala pa rin ako noon na sa takdang panahon, mapapasakin itong muli.

di ba ganun sa mga pelikula? lalayo ang lalaki. mag kakarelasyon sa iba, pero sa bandang huli ay babalik pa rin dun sa babaeng bida.

ganun ako dati. feeling ko nasa telebisyon din ako at kaya kong diktahan ang script ng buhay ko.

nung tumagal, nag sawa na rin siguro ang puso ko. o baka naman, ang utak ko na ang sumuko sa kakaisip at kakahintay kung kelan ka ba talaga muling babalik.

sabi ng tita ko, impostor daw ako.

impostor nga ba ako?

nag kukubli nga lang ba ako sa takot kaya di ko masabing siya pa rin ang hinihintay ko?

mukhang hindi na. sana hindi na.

kasi nung natuto akong manahimik, nung natuto akong kalimutang isipin sya, natutunan ko ring mahalin ang sarili ko.

kung dati'y okay lang sakin na masaktan basta't anjan sya, ngayon di na pwede yun.

kung dati'y parating nauuna yung kung ano ang gusto at kung ano ang mararamdaman nya, ngayon mas importante yung kung saan ako magiging masaya at kung ano ang gusto ko.

natutunan kong umibig muli nung mga panahong pinipilit kong matuto na wala sya sa buhay ko.

umibig akong muli.

at sa tingin ko, ito ang pinaka magandang regalong nakuha ko mula sa relasyon na yun.

minahal ko ang sarili ko.

my bleeding heart

2010-05-28T20:20:00.000-07:00

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when i saw this in So You Think You Can Dance, i didn't know what to feel. i was so overwhelmed with emotions. nasabi ko na lang, TUMPAK!

i could see the subtle manipulations of the guy. i could see how the girl so willingly fell for the trap. i could see every twist and turn of the menacing plot to break her heart.

and then he walked away.

common!

naka relate ako ng bonggang bongga!

i cried after the dance.

parang sa totoong buhay lang.

umiyak din ako nun e.

enough na nga ba?

2010-05-26T06:32:00.000-07:00

ta yen and i have been talking about my cousin's never ending story with her ex. don't get me wrong, though. he is already married and she already has a boyfriend. but every time he comes home, they always get together and talk. and from what we can see, she seems happier than the usual.

as ta yen said, we can just let her be happy even for just a while. even if those times were just really stolen moments from their lives. she said that someday, i will soon join their ranks. the best ladies of the exes still waiting. i told her that i don't want that kind of life. that i have had enough of the pain from a love that could never be.

she said i can never really be sure because Camilla wasn;t e\able to turn her back when Prince Charles came running back to her.

hayst.

the heart of a man is really tricky and confusing most of the times.

then this got me thinking.

am i really strong enough to say no to him if ever the time comes when he comes back? will i have the courage to move on from him?

as of now, i can most definitely say that i am through with him. that i have had enough of his transgressions, lies and infidelities.

but i am not closing any doors. but i am surely opening the windows and the roof. i am widening my horizon, hoping to find MY man.

only time can tell if i will be able to resist him.

but for now, NEXT na muna.

nakakapagod din kasi na sya na lang lagi. siya na nga lang lagi, di naman nag babago ang story namin.

parati na lang lokohan, bolahan.

this time, i want a relationship where i can clearly see a bright future for both of us.

sana.

sana.

sana.

Y

2010-05-23T23:21:00.000-07:00

now i know how it feels to be jealous.... yung tipong wala na kayo, matagal na, naka move on ka na pero nung makita mong may kasama siyang iba, may kirot pa rin.

i know for a fact that i have moved on. walang duda dun. i'm happy right now. i don't even miss him anymore. but seeing him with someone else for the first time made me think that it could have been me. ganto pala ang feeling.

i know this will just pass. it's just funny because i didn't expect that i would feel this way.

oh well.

ओल्ड song

2010-05-06T20:13:00.000-07:00

it feels like im experiencing deja vu. why? because you are doing the exact same things that broke my heart last december. you don't text, you don't even answer my calls. i have made all the effort to win you back although it should be you who's doing everything to win ME back. but it's okay. i'm not complaining. why? because i want you. i want us to make things work. i want us to be together. why? because i love you.

i have loved you for so long... since we were in elementary. surprised? i bet you are. nobody knew about this. this is my little secret. it has been a secret until now. i decided to tell you coz it will help to make you understand why i am doing everything i can to have you.

but it seems like i am losing you... AGAIN. the thing that hurts me most about this is not because you are not making an effort, but because it seems like you are taking me for granted. not only me but my feelings for you.

i no longer know how to make peace with my mind... it's telling me to let you go. that i have lost the battle. that no matter how i try, the decision to stay or go is in your hands. that i do not have the power to make you change your mind once you decided to move on.

i am at a crossroad where i have to make a very hard decision.

will i let you go and have a certain peace of mind?

or should i fight for what we used to have but suffer during the process?

then a thought came, will i be able to live with myself if i let you go? maybe.

i have never thought before that it is possible for me to let you go. that it would be best to just move on with my life without you.

this is the dilemma i am experiencing right now. i have to decide what to do.

am i strong enough to let you go?

i do not have the vaguest idea if or when you will be able to read this. and i also know that being the sensitive man that you are, some of what i have said here might hurt you. but i am just trying to clear this off my chest coz i am going crazy living day after day and pretending that everything's okay. i am not okay. i am hurting and i want answers from you.

2010-04-28T03:39:00.000-07:00

spring awakening

funny how loneliness in the midst of a buzzing city can make one's priorities get back to the straight and the narrow.

i don't wanna be here manila. period.

i don't wanna work here in manila. period.

i love bicol. i could get through the minor and major problems in my life as long as i am there.

besides i made a promise to my lola.

i will be in bicol... SOON.

yey!

i will be home soon.

super excited.

अगेन

2010-04-21T02:46:00.000-07:00

AGAIN

now that i am here in Manila, again, maybe i should get back to blogging again. the internet is huge enough to store all my little stories that i usually write.

now, i am starting all over again. searching for a job. applying for the job. going through the usual interviews. been there, done that. what i wanna know now is for how long will i be in the call center industry? is this all i can master to do? what's in store for me in the future?

i don't know.

i wish i have the will power and the courage to travel a different route.

but for the meantime, i have to stay in this mundane world so i can pursue my dreams later.

thy will be done.

one last cry

2010-04-11T19:33:00.000-07:00

Listening to let me be the one by Jimmy Bondoc….

This made me realize that there were a lot of things that I wasn’t able to tell Louie before we broke up….

I wasn’t able to tell him that I loved him most.

I wasn’t able to tell him that although it ended the way it did, I was still thankful of the times that we were together because somehow, someway, he made me feel loved and wanted.

I wasn’t able to tell him that all the pain he caused me were worth it. Maybe not in the eyes of other people but it was for me.

I wasn’t able to tell him that I could still be a friend to him. After all, I still believe that I knew him quite well. And I still believe that I was the only one whom he can fully be himself and let his guard down without him having to worry how I would react.

There were a lot of things that I wasn’t able to tell him.
Maybe I won’t be able to tell him these things anymore. But I still hope that I could….

If we can’t be the best of lovers, we could be the best of friends. Or just friends. Whatever fate grants us.

Maybe time will come when we would be able to sit down and talk about all these things. Maybe we won’t. who knows?

What I know now is that while I am thinking of what used to be, I no longer shed tons of tears. My eyes glisten from the ghost of the past but it doesn’t hurt anymore.
This is it. This is the end of it.

Fade to black. Cue music. Fade in ONE LAST CRY.

nine

2010-04-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

9:48PM
March 10, 2010

Sometimes I ask myself why I have to go through all of these problems…. Sometimes I don’t even understand why I am being given these problems….

I want to believe that He only gives us the trials that we can handle, that He knows the capacity of our own heart and that He is planning something bigger and better in store for us in the future. But at times like this, when I have nothing, I have no one, what else am I supposed to think? Who else am I supposed to hold on to?

I want to count my blessings. I really do. I have been trying to do just that. But my loneliness and hopelessness doesn’t go away. Sometimes I feel like my sanity’s finally reached its limit. That I am on the brink of insanity. But I hold on. I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel….

But when will this end? For how long will I be tested? I can only take so much. Please dear God….

क्ष-mas

2009-12-21T22:02:00.000-08:00

it's been a year but it feels like it was yesterday....

i'm still as lost as i was last year. i'm still as confused as i ever was. the only thing that changed was the date and the year on the calendar. damn. i must be doing something wrong.

oh hell.

empty

2009-07-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

too many emotions... can't bottle them up any longer... feels like will explode anytime soon....

raw emotions. feelings that were kept hidden for such a long time. forgotten and consciously tacked away for safe keeping and never to be opened again.

lately, i've been experiencing emotions that are too painful to even think about. i can succumb to the feeling and just let it all out once and for all. so that after all this years, i will be free from th emotional baggage i have bee carrying. i know it will make me feel so much better. but i choose not to feel. i don't wanna get hurt anymore.

i know i've said that i have moved on from the last relationship. i have. but i'm still bruised and battered. whatever it is that i have to dace, i know i have to face it sooner or later. but for now, i will just gather my strenght first so that i won't break when it is time to finally face my demons from the past.

let me be strong even for just a while. or at least pretend to be strong.

the only thing that's making me go on day by day is the thought that everyday i get closer to finally be happy. what's keeping me from surrendering the fight is the hope that one day, all of this will be over and i can finally close that chapter of my life and i can hold my head high and say "I DID IT." i have faith in myself and to that someone out there who watches over us. i know HE will make things better for me, for us. i know that all of these are just preparations for something better, something wonderful.

for now, let me just feel my sadness. let me engulf myself with words and feel the pain emanate from each word, each letter. coz for now, this is just what i am prepared and ready to do.

i am such a coward.

finally

2009-05-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

i can finally say that i have already moved on.

but i cried yesterday. i heard THE love songs that made me remember the times when we were still together. but it doesnt matter. as i've mentioned to K, i dont miss him anymore. what i miss is the feeling of having someone to love and being loved back in return.

i am such a hopeless romantic.

when i cry and i dont know why, i just think it's an old wound trying to heal. i've read this in an article in PDI years ago but i never forgot it. i think the reason for this is that i have been crying all my life for all those old wounds to finally heal.

but i am happy now. as happy as i can be... for the moment.

there will come a time when my words will be like a melody born out of the love that i will feel for that special someone.

someday. someday soon.

2009-03-23T01:05:00.000-07:00

i think i saw you last night at the park.

no. i know i saw you last night. i was sitting on the bench, too tired to walk. i was chatting so my head was bowed, not really caring what's happening around me. music's so loud in my ears. when i looked up, i saw a familiar figure walking toward me. i know that body, that walk. i didnt see your face. i dont have to see your face to know it was you. i just knew.

then something happened that i really can't explain.

i just bolted upright and walked away from you, not caring to look back. i was half running. it was instinct. i just knew i had to get out of there, get as far away from you as i could.

now, when i come to think about it, i guess my intinct's acting against you. it doesnt want to suffer another tormenting blow from you. not anymore.

when i got back home, i wished i stayed so i could have talke to you. straighten things out. maybe we could have had the closure i wanted.

but it did not happen that way.

i guess it just was not meant to be.... at least not yet.

only time can tell.

glitter-graphics.com

2009-03-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

"freedom is good." - gretchen barreto in an interview

Love this! hahaha yeah, freedom really is good. i am enjoying my life so much more now.

live life.
love life.
laugh often.
love some more.

glitter-graphics.com

"when it comes to relationships, what are we fighting for?" - sarah jessica parker, sex in the city

oo nga naman. what are we fighting for? the right to love and be loved? hindi rin.

the right to "own" a person and to be able to say "he's mine"? hindi rin.

maybe it's the right to feel alive through loving someone. really loving a person with all your heart and soul. maybe it's a fight to love. period. that's it, no questions asked. no hesitations. no regrets.

glitter-graphics.com

"di na kayang makinig ng puso ko sa mga paliwanag mo, dave." - kim tiu, tayong dalawa

yeah, i have felt this, not too long ago. there comes a time in our loves that we have to say goodbye not coz we want to but because we need to. we know we have to stop because the pain is too great, too consuming. sometimes, we feel like we have to stop it before we completely lose ourselves.

glitter-graphics.com

"thank you for breaking my heart coz you made me stronger." ta yen, one afternoon

there, she said it.

when we were walking home that night, i thought...

what have i learned after all of these? NEVER AGAIN.

glitter-graphics.com

"before i even prayed Father, you answered" francis m. quoted from his blog

faith.

thy will be done my Lord, coz you know the achings of our hearts... coz you know what's best for us. coz i know you love me, as much as you love all the others.

glitter-graphics.com

"mahal mo ba ako? sobra sobra. kahit minsan mali na." mariceel soriano, quoted from one of her movies

yeah... i tried to love him when it hurts, i tried to love until it hurts no more. i only got to the hurting part. he didn't make it stop. so i have to. on my own. alone.

glitter-graphics.com

"things that scare us the most? things we dont understand. coz after that, we turn to assumptions." morgan freeman, finding forester

i always try to undedrstand the things that are happening. i always try to open my eyes and try to see things as they really are. but i cant. i get blinded and side tracked by love. hays....

2009-03-03T20:59:00.001-08:00

love hurt laugh cry
love some more.
hurt move on
not easy though.
stand cheer
smile some more.

i am me.
love me, hate me.

i am a cheater and i will keep on cheating until i am able to either escape or fill this void.

comments, suggestions, violent reactions?

define cheater?

read NEW MOON, chapter 5 and you'll understand.

2009-03-03T20:53:00.000-08:00

let the world know my heart's breaking
let the whole world see my pain
let the world feel what it's like
to have their hearts torn apart.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

a smile
a laugh
i am a clown

pain masked with colors
hurt muffled by a sound
i am a pretender

eyes twinkle with glee
blood rushing through my vains
all gone, all gone

2009-03-03T20:48:00.000-08:00

when you left and went away
the world's gone mad, won't even let me be

seasons change, memories fade
people come and go
but here i am, still in love with you

songs end
rivers flow
time passes by
yet here i am, can't even get over you.

wounds heal
shed tears dry
but my heart will always ask why.

glitter-graphics.com

2009-02-09T23:05:00.000-08:00

seasons change, memories fade

people come and go

but here i am, still in love with you.

songs end, rivers flow

time passes by

yet here i am, cant get over you.

wounds heal

shed tears dry

but my heart will always ask why.

glitter-graphics.com

2009-02-09T23:03:00.000-08:00

a smile
a laugh
i am a clown.

pain masked with colours
hurt muffled by sound
i am a pretender.

eyes twinkling with glee
blood rushing through my veins
all gone, all gone.

glitter-graphics.com

2009-01-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

i have now taken the first step to relizing my dreams. I quit my job and i am now on my quest to search for that ever elusive dream.

my heart's focused in making my home based thing be successful. this will be my start.

i'm counting on my skills and on my beginner's luck.

bless me.

glitter-graphics.com

2008-11-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

i am at peace.

not because everything seems to be uncertain but because i find certain truths behind the mask of despair.

one thing is for sure. he loves me. inspite and despite of everything, i know that he loves. no one can ever question that.

he is selfish, i know that. and as i have told him, i knew and i accepted that. i love him because. love simply is.

i still believe in us. call me crazy, but i still believe that he will come back. there's no one else aside from me. he's doing this because he needs to make things right for himself and i know he will make it through. there's not a moment that i ever doubted him.

maybe i am crazy. crazy about him. but the thing is, if you're in my place and you've found someone who can make you feel nuts in one moment and feel so loved and cherished the next, wouldn't you fight for it? wouldn't you fight for someone you've loved for all your life?

i know i would.

but this time, fighting means to hold back. Loving someone from a distance is never easy but who ever said love is a walk in the park?

after all this time, i have learned that love is a struggle. that you have to fight for the one you love because fate intercedes every once in a while and thows stones along your way.

i am not giving up. i have made this promise a long time ago.

i knew what i will go through. i know it is not going to be easy.

but i will never give up on love. i will never give him up.

he's the one i want. and i want him so bad.

and i believe in this: if you want something so bad, everything in the universe will conspire to make that happen.

i love him and i don't care. i love him because. love simply is.

2008-03-30T02:02:00.000-07:00

it's a good thing that none of my friends know about this page.

i think they would have a field day if they get to read what i've been writing here. they are not used to the fact that i am this sensitive and weak.

they have a very different opinion of who i am, what i am and what i want to be.

not that i am a completely different person in their eyes or that i pretend to be someone i'm not.

it's not like that at all. it's just that, for them, i am this hyperactive woman errr... girl who refuses to grow up. for them, i am forever a baby who does not think much of the future. i think they think i dont even know the word responsibility. hahahahaha

oh well...

for louie

2007-09-28T22:52:00.000-07:00

"Everything I Have"

I feel like I never measure up to who you see
Sometimes I think I can't give you all the love you need
You keep changing everyday
Amazing me in everyway.

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have

I never dreamed I could ever feel the way I do
I hope and pray I will always be enough for you
I can only do my best
I have to trust you with the rest

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have

I promise I will hold you through the changes and fears
When life seems unclear
And when I can't be right there with you
I know there's angels by your side

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything... I have

i used to send him this text message over and over again. it goes:

stay. no why's, no how's, no promises.

just stay.

puzzle

2007-09-13T22:18:00.000-07:00

www.commentbaby.com

www.commentbaby.com

2007-09-04T21:07:00.000-07:00

i've been trying so hard not to think too much of the things that are happening becuase you are important to me. but you are making things so hard for me....

you have to grow up. your circumstances are different now. do not make it seem easier for you at our expense.

i hate to think that this will cause a rift between us, but recently, i am finding it hard not to hold a grudge against you.

i am building a wall because it is the best thing that i can do to make you see things in perspective.

i'm sorry.

thanks to you

2007-08-28T23:28:00.000-07:00

a little appreciation goes a long way.

i'm fortunate to have a man who never takes me for granted and who appreciates the things i do for him.

he knows and acknowledges my efforts.... hays...

aint it good to be young and in love? hehe

फमिल्य pishurs

2007-08-24T20:48:00.000-07:00

tippy and moi

so sleepy together

tippy

lexie and tippy

ang nakaraan...

2007-08-23T22:24:00.000-07:00

sana di na natin kelangan pang mag kunwari.

wala namang saysay yun.

walang katuturan.

walang mababago, walang mag iiba kung patuloy pa rin tayong sasayaw sa indak ng musikang matagal ng natapos.

may bagong saliw na ang musikang sinasayawan ko, alam natin yun.

di mo naman kelangan pang mag kunwari e.

may mga bagay na nananatiling nag uugnay sa atin.

dahil minsan, sabay tayong umindak at nakisayaw sa saliw ng musika.

masakit isiping hanggang ngayon, pinipili mo pa ring mag kubli sa likod ng mga ulap..

simala't sapul, alam kong ikaw yun.

tama na.

tapusin na natin ang pag kukunwari.

- got this from my email. wrote it when someone from my past couldn't help himself from meddling from my own affairs. foolish git. -

2007-08-06T21:57:00.000-07:00

Louie and me, flirting with life.

sa mga nakakakilala sakanya, sakin o samin, oo kami. matagal na. daming problema but we 're still together.

ako si y constant nya. yun yon.

daming in doubt sa kung ano ba at kung san ba papupunta ang relasyong ito. well, i stopped caring what other people think a long time ago. mas importante sakin na we care for each other and that we still wanna be together.

ako si y constant.

wishful thinking

2007-06-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

i am at this point in my life where i do not know where i am supposed to go or what i'm supposed to do. i'm just letting life pass me by because i cannot find a meaning or a purpose that makes my life worth living.

i know i don't make sense. it's just that, i feel like something is missing. i cannot pinpoint what that is... it's just that, life is so dull and meaningless...

maybe, when i go home and be with my family even for just a few days, maybe that will make me see things clearly. maybe that will make things clearer. maybe by then, i can already see things in perspective.

maybe

at lunch

2007-06-10T19:38:00.000-07:00

been blog hopping since i got here and these are the things that i realized:

oo, may mga sugat na kahit alam kong masasaktan ako ay pinipili ko pa ring kinakalikot. hindi dahil sa masokista pero dahil ito ang tanging paraan para maramdaman kong nasasaktan din ako. para makayanan kong balikan ang nakaraan. isang nakaraan na bamagat masalimuot ay totoo.

na minsan, hindi masamang haluan ng kulay ng ilusyon at panaginip ang ikot ng buhay. bakit? upang punan ang kakulangan ng buhay. nang sa gayon, kahit panandalian ay naranasan kong making masaya, umibig, mabigo, at umibig muli.

na sa buhay na 'to, isang malutong na tawa't halakhak ay maari ng maging simula ng isang bagong saliw ng musika.

na sa bandang huli, ang tangi nating magagawa ay ang umibig ng lubos at tanggaping hindi natin hawak ang ating kapalaran.

na hindi lahat ng mahal natin ay mamahalin tayo.

na hindi lahat ng gusto nating makasama habang buhay ay mannanatili sa tabi natin.

na ang tangi nating magagawa ay mag pasalamat...

na minsan sa ating buhay ay may nakilala tayong pinag alayan natin ng totoong pag mamahal.

na kahit ano pa kaikli ang samahang yon, naramdaman natin kung pano magmahal ng lubos...

faith

2007-06-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

There are things in life that I can never control. As hard as it may be for me to accept it, I have no other choice but to give in. I have to.

Coz now, I do have faith in us.

Coz time and time again, you’ve proven to me that I will always be that one person that you come home to.

That is enough for me to believe in what we had, what we have and what we will have.

Yes, I know now that somewhere, somehow, our paths will cross… again. That is inevitable. This is the only thing that makes me look forward to tomorrow. That another day brings me closer to that day that we will be together again.

For now, I will be content with this because I know that you still have to carve your own destiny, your own path in this world. I will be satisfied in the thought that although I am not by your side, I am your greatest ally. That I will be cheering you every step of the way.

I love you. That is reason enough. For what? For everything.

will and grace craze

2007-06-04T22:39:00.000-07:00

Will & Grace Season 5 BLOOPERS

Video Codes

The Best Of Will & Grace Part One

Video Codes

Will & Grace bloopers, PART 1 of 2

Video Codes

Will & Grace Series Finale

Video Codes

Will and Grace Finale

Video Codes

nagmahal kasi ako

2007-05-27T23:35:00.000-07:00

nakakatuwang isipin na ngayon, sa kabila ng kawalang paliwanag sa lahat ng mga nangyayari samin ay nakukuha ko pang ngumiti.

siguro nga'y kahit papano ay natuto na din akong makiayon sa agos ng buhay. isang pag ayon at pakikibaka na may kaakibat na pag unawa, pag tanggap.

marahil ay may naikintal na din saakin ang mga mapait na karanasang iyon.

ang puso ko? patuloy pa ring tumitibok at nakikipag laban sa mga bagay na pinaniniwalaan. naninindigan sa kabila ng pag tutol ng napakaraming bagay. siguro nga'y kelangan ko lang maging matatag.

mahal ko e.

sapat ng dahilan yun upang ituloy ang nasimulan.

saan man kami patungo, mabigo man ako, taas noo kong masasabi na ginawa ko ang lahat. na nakipag sapalaran ako. na minsa'y kinalimutan ko ang sarili ko para sakanya.

ganun ako mag mahal. sobra sobra.

http://secured.cebupacificair.com/itd/itd/DoAirSearch

what if

2007-05-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

a good good friend asked me something today. it made me think of the other possibilities other than a life with ogl.

scaryness, but it's a possibility.

basta ako, i would want nothing more than a life with him. it's now a forgone conclusion that i am head over heels in love with that man. without a doubt, i am besotted beyond belief.

but what if nga di ba? what would i do?

i'd always follow my heart. where ever this may lead me, i will concede and go with it. always.

for now, what i can say is, no matter how weird our situation is i'm staying. for how long? as long as i can. mahal ko e.

the what if's?

laters.

http://secured.cebupacificair.com/itd/itd/DoAirSearch

im back... for good

2007-05-01T00:23:00.003-07:00

i asked him to give me some space for a few days so that i could get my act together...

actually, i texted him that i would not be texting or calling him for a few days.

he had no choice. i already made the decision to do so.

lately kasi, i feel like i am on the verge of just giving up on him, on everything we've had or will ever have. i feel exhausted that it me not feel things anymore.

i don't like not feeling things. i depend on those feelings completely...

i haven't done anything like this before... the i need space kind of thing... but i think i am doing the right thing. it feels right.

right now, i am evaluating the things between us. i am trying to step out and look at it in a different perspective.

one thing is for sure. i don't want to lose him.

i still care.

i'm still willing to fight for that "something" we've had.

i don't wanna give up on someone who can make me feel like this coz it's not everyday that i meet a person who can make me enjoy and love a rollercoaster ride.

it's not everyday that i meet a person who knows me inside and out and still wants me.

it's not everyday that i can meet a person who can make me feel what i feel right now.

puso puso

2007-05-01T00:23:00.001-07:00

WHEN IN DOUBT, DON'T.

i have told this very same thing to a lot of friends who's in the exact situation i am now. and every time i tell that to them, i always say it with conviction. may angas factor.

is he really worth it? can i still trust him?

i have so many doubts... but still, i can't find the strenght to forget him... or to leave him.

i found it easy to forget iris. i was able to date other people soon after we broke up. i can't say that the reason behind that was i had someone "special" back then. the truth is, i have some of them who keeps me... well, let's just say i have some people around who makes me feel really special.

it's just that, i can't find in the things i'm looking for in them. something's missing. something's not right.

but when i am with him, IT FEELS RIGHT.

maybe what i'm trying to say here is, although we do not have a perfect relationship, there's no one else like him. that there's no one else i really want to be with but him.

maybe time will come when i would get over him... or forget him... or get over him.

but that time has still to come.

coz as of now, he's the only one i want.

if this does not work out, at least i would be able to say that i did what i had to. more than i had to.

under the sea

2007-04-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

got these pics at my lil sis's multiply. hehe aren't we gorgeous?! tse!

go go go fight fight fight

2007-04-11T21:57:00.000-07:00

“Have the courage to love one more time… always one more time.” -boy abunda-

I am the living example of that quote.

Never put yourself in a situation wherein you’re not sure where you stand or what you’ll get in the end.

I have put everything at stake for this chance to be with him… again.

If it had been another man, I know I would’ve turned my back and would never look back.

But you see, he is not just another man. He is THE man. MY kind o’ man.

He’s the kind of man that moms warned their daughters about.

Scary?

Maybe.

I’m challenged.

I like it.

I love him.

Comments? Suggestions? Violent reactions?

Tse!

beaching part 2

2007-04-08T21:44:00.001-07:00

beaching in bacon

2007-04-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

2007-04-03T00:39:00.000-07:00

gotta make up my mind.

i'm so confused.

sometimes, it overwhelms me.

sometimes i just wanna forget it all and just move on.

sometimes it's so hard to think of anything else except him... us.

damn.

gotta make a decision.

it's consuming me.

monsters

2007-03-28T00:29:00.001-07:00

- Get Your Own

i have a dream by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (From Washington, D.C. - August 28, 1963)

2007-03-23T20:13:00.001-07:00

- Get Your Own

nate adams

2007-03-23T20:08:00.001-07:00

- Get Your Own

videos galore

2007-03-15T23:58:00.001-07:00

- Get Your Own

cater 2 u

lose my breath

stick wit u

the pursuit of happiness: the trailer

comedian salute: oscars 2007

punkd

2007-03-14T18:46:00.001-07:00

- Get Your Own

true

2007-03-13T23:33:00.000-07:00

- Get Your Own

(98 degrees and stevie wonder)

"...Why second guess
What feels so right
Just trust your heart
And you'll see the light...

...Open your eyes
Your heart can tell you no lies
And when you're true to your heart
I know it's gonna lead you straight to me..."

trust your heart... trust your heart... trust your heart....

i didn't give up. now he's here again. i love him. but i'm scared....

2007-03-11T22:11:00.001-07:00

(for louietot)

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands and watch you rise

Chorus

Spread you wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be, so spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land

Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me, we truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly (spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly (butterfly)

Bridge

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't overflowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye (stand and say goodbye)
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly

Chorus

i won't say

2007-03-09T15:01:00.000-08:00

- Get Your Own

If there's a prize for rotten judgement,
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the agrivation
That's ancient history,
Been there
Done that

Who'd ya think you're kidding?
He's the earth and heaven to ya
Try to keep it hidden, honey we can see right through ya
Girl ya can't conceal it
We know how you're feelin', who you're thinking of

No chance, no way, I won't say it, no noYou swoon, you sigh
Why deny it, uh oh
It's too...cliché
I won't say I'm in love
(Oooooh ooooh oooh)

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when ya start out
My head is screaming "get a grip, girl!"
"Unless you're dying to cry your heart out!" Ooooh oooh

You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feelin'
Baby, we're not lying, hone we saw ya Hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown up
When ya gonna own up that ya got, got, got it back?

Woah
No chance, no way, I won't say it, no no
Give up, give in
Check the grin, you're in love!
You're doing flips read our lips you're in love

You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say I'm in love

No chance, no way, I won't say it, no no
Give up, give in
Check the grin, you're in love!
The scene won't play
I won't say I'm in love
You'er doing flips read our lips you're in love

You're way off base
I won't say it
Girl, don't be proud, it's ok, you're in love

No chance, no way, I won't say it, no no
Give up, give in
Check the grin, you're in love!
The scene won't play
I won't say I’m in love

Ooooooh
At least out loud
I won't say I'm in....love

Sha la la la la la...(sigh)

harharhar in denial stage. care dead... at least out loud i won's say i'm in love.

y

2007-03-08T19:25:00.001-08:00

- Get Your Own

Fate has a funny way of making things work.

Sa bawat dasal na namumutawi sa aking mga labi
Bawat hinaing ng pusong nasadlak sa kabiguan
Sa bawat pag agos ng buhay
May nag iisang dahilan
Ikaw.

Nasan ako ngayon? Hindi ko alam. Pinili kong maging alipin ng hangin. Sunud-sunuran sa bugso ng amihan. Napapadpad sa kung saan man tangayin ng mapagbirong tadhana.

Cliché? Tell me bout it.

Ang alam ko, may narinig akong usal mula sa kaibuturan ng aking puso. Isang hiling. Isang pag susumaong magkaroon ng kapayapaan ang damdaming nabalot ng pait at pighati.

Bakit hindi pagmamahal? Kasi bawat pusong napiling samahan ay nabigo. Bakit hindi? Takot.

Subalit mahirap kalabanin ang isang pwersang nabuhay bago pa man ako o ang mga nauna pa saakin.

There’s a reason for everything. What’s the reason? I don’t know… yet.

Sa bawat luha
Pait
Sakit
May nag iisang dahilan.
Ikaw.

Uulitin ko, mapagbiro ang tadhana.

Bakit?

Anjan ka na naman. Bakit? Di ko din alam. Pero ngayon, MEDYO natuto nako.

Sana.

scarred and scared

2007-03-04T17:30:00.000-08:00

- Get Your Own

something's playing in my mind again. hooo!

coincidence? cosmic interference? what was that?

i told myslef that i will just let things be. that i have had enough of my endless efforts to bring back the lifeless soul, the bitter pain. the sweet agony of loving a person who isn't that worthy of being loved.

still.. . i cannot , no matter how i try, bring myself to just turn around and say goodbye. i did try. god knows i did try.

i actually walked away and faced a new day. a new time without his memory, without the shadow of the past with him.

my heart's asking for Him to take care of my path, of my future. coz truth be told, i can no longer bear to suffer another pain like that.

and then, then again, he's there. in that future. maybe i'm just freakin' out. maybe that encounter is just a meaningless coincidence. maybe.

relationships

2007-03-01T22:31:00.000-08:00

- Get Your Own

nung 'sang araw, he texted me. asking asking ng kung ano ano. reply naman ako. he asked me kung muzta naman daw ako. sabi ko, ok lang. bored. parang walang meaning ang life. parang maxado ng routine and predictable and life. basta, nag usap kami. then sabi nya, "gusto mo punta ako jan?" sagot ko naman "kaw bahala". sabi nya, "wag na lang... kala ko kelangan mo kausap e".

ewan, kasi after that message, nag isip na naman ako ng kung ano ano. hoping sa mga bagay na ako lang naman ata ang nakaka-feel. ako lang naman ata ang umaasa pa. di ko naman dine-deny na binigyan ko yun ng ibang meaning. ganun talaga....

ewan... ngayon, iniisip ko na kung may meaning nga yun sakanya, dapat gagawa na xa ng move to make me know na di lang yun pakyeme ng isang friend.

ewan. bahala na si batman.

let destiny decide.

:"

The six BIGGEST mistakes we make in the beginning of a relationship:
1. We don't ask enough questions.
2. We ignore warning signs of potential problems.
3. We make premature compromises.
4. We give in to Lust Blindness.
5. We give in to material seduction.
6. We put Commitment Before Compatibility.

Seven Wrong Reasons to be in a Relationship:
1. Pressure (age, family, friends, etc.)
2. Loneliness and desperation
3. Sexual hunger
4. Distraction from your own life
5. To avoid growing up
6. Guilt
7. To fill up your emotional or spiritual emptiness.

The Lust into Love Formula
1. First, you feel powerful sexual chemistry with someone or, in raw terms,lust.
2. Next, you act on those urges and have sex with that person.
3. Then you experience some guilt or discomfort having been so sexually
intimate with someone you aren't that emotionally connected with.
4. Finally you create a relationship with that person to legitimize your lust.

Five Realities about Love
1. Love is not enough to make a relationship work - it needs compatibility and it needs commitment.
2. It just takes a moment to experience infatuation, but true love takes time.
3. It is possible to experience true love with more than one person there are many potential partners you could be happy with.
4. The right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them.
5. Good sex has nothing to do with true love, but making love does.

Five Deadly Myths about Love
1. True love conquers all.
2. When it's really true love, you will know it the moment you meet the other person.
3. There is only one true love in the world that is right for you.
4. The perfect partner will fulfill you completely in every way.
5. When you experience powerful sexual chemistry with someone, it must be love.

Fatal flaws to watch out for in a partner:
1. Addictions.
2. Anger.
3. Victim consciousness.
4. Control freak
5. Sexual Dysfunction.
6. Hasn't grown up.
7. Emotionally unavailable.
8. Hasn't recovered from past relationships.
9. Emotional damage from childhood.

Here are seven compatibility time bombs that can destroy a relationship:
1. Significant age difference.
2. Different religious background.
3. Different social, ethnic, or educational background.
4. Toxic in-laws.
5. Toxic ex-spouse.
6. Toxic Stepchildren.
7. Long-distance relationships.

Six qualities to look for in a mate:
1. Commitment to personal growth.
2. Emotional openness
3. Integrity
4. Maturity and responsibility
5. High self-esteem.
6. Positive Attitude towards life

pulso

2007-03-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

- Get Your Own

What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
*took a chance… put my heart and soul in it.. really risked my heart… only to have it broken… again

Did anyone close to you give birth?
* yeah… my cuz, and my tita. Both baby boys. Ichiro and laurence

Did anyone close to you die?
* yeah… father ni pay… was close to him kahit papano

What countries did you visit?
* josko

What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
* contentment and happiness

What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
* anong date… the whole month of December

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
* found work… move on from the previous heart ache. leche

What was your biggest failure?
* puso

Did you suffer illness or injury?
* ala naman

What was the best thing you bought?
* leggings! hahaha

Whose behavior merited celebration?
* mine mine mine

Whose behaviour appalled you and made you depressed?
* madami sila

Where did most of your money go?
* lafang!!!

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
* love, life

What song/s will always remind you of 2006?
* Someday by Nina
* Heart of mine
*Butterfly- mariah

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier ata
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter! Tse!
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer..!!!

What do you wish you'd done more of?
* trust my instinct, my woman’s intuition.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
* using my heart to decide.. josko

Did you fall in love in 2006?
* head over heels in love

What was your favourite TV program?
* charmed, smallville, csi

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
* hmmm… di naman

What was the best book you read?
* madami. Love love love to read kasi e. mga Sheldon, mc naught, s. king, dan brown, alice walker. Pero aliw aliw aliw yung the little prince. hehe

What was your greatest musical discovery?
* hale hehe

What did you want and get?
* love. Tapos nawala din lang. nyeta

What did you want and not get?
* love din. Nawala e. nyeta ulit

Favorite film of this year?
* hmmm.. ala akong maalala… pakshet na memory gap

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
* job interview. Walang celebration kasi umalis ako sa house ng maaga, gabi nako nakauwi. I did get the job though

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
* for that love to have lasted sana

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
* I dunno. I choose clothes kasi depende sa mood ko e

What kept you sane?
* faith, family and friends

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
* zanjoe marudo. Yummy!!!!!

Who is your real-person crush?
* si anik. Harhar nawala din lang. we’re not in the same wave length e

What showbiz gossip stirred you the most?
* madami dami din. Mga kris aquino chorva. Yunlagi laman ng tv e

Who was the best new person you met?
*jen. Kapwa bakla. Magkarugtong ata bituka namin

* Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.
* let things be kahit masakit, kahit di mo ma-gets why certain things happen. Faith has a funny way of making things right.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
* When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands and watch you rise

…And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land…

…I can't pretend these tears
Aren't overflowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye (stand and say goodbye)
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly…

letting go

2007-02-25T21:31:00.000-08:00

- Get Your Own

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short

------ author unknown

letting go is easier said than done.

malapit nako mag-graduate sa masters degree ko sa letting go ko na course. sa ganda ba naman ng performance ko, i think i will be a laude.

the first time i let go of someone, it was because he took me for granted. i think, he thought that since i did love him, i will always be there for him patiently waiting. i did wait. but, i found out that waiting for someone you're not sure will come back, or for someone who's really not worth the wait... well i moved on. said buh-bye and flipped my hair. ha!

the second and most recent happened because, as he put it in his own words 'ayaw nya akong madamay sa magulo at masalimuot nyang mundo sa ngayon.' kesyo i have no idea daw how much he wanted to beg and plead for me to take him back. chorva chorva chorva. when all was said and done, he did not come back.

so i did what i had to, let him go ... again.

i really didn't want to. i was holding on to what he said. kaso, it's so hard to hold on to something na walang kasigaraduhan. kasi kahit xa mismo, di nya alam kung ano ang gusto nya. or kung gusto nya pa ba ituloy.

i can deny it all i want and with conviction pa na i'm over him na. pero ayoko naman gawin. bad mag sinungaling.

coz the truth is, im still waiting for him. im still hoping na someday babalik xa. that i still love him.

ewan ko ba. lagi na lang kami ganto. lagi na lang unfinished business and drama.

pero kahit na i still have feelings for him, it doesn't mean na im closing my doors na to other people. im not. yun nga lang, im not yet ready.

kakapagod din kasi. sobrang emotionally drained nako. kelangan ko muna mag pahinga. tsaka naman ang kwentuhang puso. pag kaya ko na ulit mag mahal.

2007-02-22T18:50:00.000-08:00

- Get Your Own

When i reveal my true colors in love, i am a COMMITTED PARTNER

You are a devoted person who feels the greatest sense of security when you're in a stable relationship with a dedicated partner. At times when you're not part of a couple, you're likely daydreaming about romance — at least during the moments when your mind isn't focused on advancing your own personal success. You have an easygoing, approachable nature that can make you a great mate and friend. It's a trait you can surely put to good use in any romantic relationship.

results are from tickle.com. hehe

2007-02-22T18:20:00.000-08:00

- Get Your Own

WHAT I WANT IN A MAN

Romance
You don't need a doting guy in order to feel satisfied. In fact, although you might prefer a guy who'll occasionally pamper you with gifts or affection, you don't need your ideal man to be a true romantic. (Two famous men who might fit your romance profile are Mark Wahlberg and Jack Nicholson.) Heck, you might even find sappy or romantic acts cheesy rather than desirable. Or perhaps you look at men with a realistic eye and recognize that the passionate, expressive qualities many women crave are rarely found outside the movies. Whether you're romantic or not, your open-minded, practical outlook will significantly increase your chances of meeting Mr. Right!

Maturity
Love might be a serious game, but it should still be fun. Too much sophistication can kill the romance. But we didn't have to tell you that. It sounds like you always go for the kind of guy who knows how to cut loose and just be himself. Practicality and maturity are respectable qualities, sure, and no man should be completely without them, but they've never been high on your list of important ingredients for an exciting night out. Based on your answers, we think your perfect guy — someone like Jerry Seinfeld or Cuba Gooding Jr., perhaps? — should know how to have a great time without acting too childish or outrageous. Whether he adds a little bit of danger to your life or just has a great sense of humor, your ideal man would still be young enough at heart to let the kid in him emerge.

Lifestyle
Love doesn't come cheap, but it doesn't have to be all that expensive, either. It sounds like you're not very concerned about your ideal man's financial situation. Of course, we all dream of living well, but it's a mistake to mix your expectations of love with your hopes for a first-class lifestyle. Based on your answers, it seems like money isn't a real romantic concern for you. On the airplane of love, you're just as happy traveling coach as first class. (Two TV guys who live up to your financial expectations — or lack thereof — are Chandler and Ross from "Friends.") Being detached from materialist concerns is a healthy, realistic attitude and should help make you happy. It means that when Mr. Right crosses your path, you'll be sure to recognize him and not worry about the size of his wallet.

Looks
You seem to know instinctively that love is blind, so why rule out any potential suitors? Sure, you probably prefer a looker (who doesn't?!), but you don't have strict standards by which you measure a potential date's physical appearance. Nicolas Cage? Ben Stiller? Just your style. Not only does this tendency reflect your innate good nature, but it also indicates that you'll be more apt to find your ideal man, since you're not someone who shuts the door on anyone who couldn't make a magazine cover. Of course, just because you're willing to look past the surface doesn't mean that your guy will be anything less than stunning. Whoever he is and whatever he looks like, you'll find him because your mind and heart are open.

2007-02-22T18:09:00.000-08:00

- Get Your Own

what kind of a kisser am i?

Romantic Kisser

Whew, is it warm in here or is that just you? When it comes to kissing, you get your drive from the lure of romance. For you, it's more than a meeting of the lips. You appreciate kissing for the rush and for what it symbolizes. Long-stemmed roses, candlelight dinners, and weekend retreats to bed and breakfasts. Sound about your speed?

You're a kissing partner who can go beyond the sweet surrender of locking lips to discuss the meaning of relationships. To really express yourself, you're probably one who's concerned with setting the proper mood. You might light a fire or take your date to a beautiful lookout before cuddling and kissing. You probably like to make a lot of eye contact, gently hug and touch your date, and talk tenderly about your feelings.

While your intensions are pure, your intensity might sometimes be a little overwhelming. Don't forget that being playful can also be a sign of affection, and remember, sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.

2007-02-21T23:30:00.000-08:00

this damn sadness thing is creeping on my existence and i am not liking it one bit. not at all!

i have already passed this once, and with flying colors pa! why is it happening again? shit. this sucks.

am i missing something? or someone? grrr.

sometimes, it's good to be numb, to not feel anything. how i wish i can do this right now... not to feel anything for someone.

damn. i miss him. after everything he did, i still miss him.

it's always him.

damn.

this thing we had reminds me of the relationship cole and phoebe had in charmed. dangerous, all consuming.

damn.

i hope this is just one of those days na it's ok for me na mag inarte and to be hiper sensitive and susceptive to sadness. kasi kung hindi.... i don't even wanna think about that possibility.

damn.

Here, There And Everywhere

2007-02-21T19:21:00.000-08:00

- Get Your Own

To lead a better life I need my love to be here...

Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there's something there

There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
Someone is speaking but she doesn't know he's there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

To be there and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere

i want this kind of love... the i can't leave without you, i'm lost without you kind of love from a man.... hooo!

2007-02-20T22:39:00.000-08:00

- Get Your Own

im sorry....

hay, basta, i really can't do that yet. not yet. mahirap i-explain kasi kahit ako, naguguluhan na din.

i would love to think that i have moved on. pero parang hindi pa e. at least completely. i still have emotional baggage from the last one. madami-dami pa naman yun. haha

but i must admit, ang haba ng hair ko. nora, pakisara ng pinto. syef!

let me try to explain kung bakit ayoko:

i tried kasi before, after a relationship din. everything was okay. i was enjoying that time. nakakaaliw. and then, one day, may bumalik. pinili ko yung bumalik so yung isa, nawala.

i lost a friend after nun. nawalan na ng communication.

i don't wanna hurt anybody's feelings.

ganto na lang muna. walang complications. walang anik-anik. simple lang. walang ibang iniisip sarili lang.

basta. ang gulo ng life. nyeta.

2007-02-18T17:02:00.001-08:00

- Get Your Own

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!'
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

Edna St Vincent Millay (1892 -1950)

just wanna share a bitter bitter-an poem we got on the net.

2007-02-18T16:07:00.000-08:00

i must admit, i had the most exciting valentines this year. and take note, i didn't have a date or a boyfriend. aliw1 aliw! aliw!

spent the day at work... na puro kwentuhan lang naman. hehe then, spent the night at 101 with friends. damn! we had a great time!

maaaga naming na accomplish ang aming goal for the night. amin na lang kung ano man yun. basta mission accomplished agad. haha

i must say, ang haba ng hair ko that night. as in, talo ang baklang rapunzel.

and to add the cherry to the cake, nag text si pay. aliw daw mag bar 101. he texted wala pa kaming 30 minutes na nakaupo at lumalafang sa 01. i don't know if he was there or someone he knew told him that i was there. i don't care. mahaba ang hair ko. jealous type talaga si pay. knowing that, i made sure na kung andun man xa or kung may espiya xa, madami silang mapag uusapan about me. i danced till the wee hours of the morning. at hindi lang iisa ang lumapit sa amin na mhen.

mamatay xa sa selos.

maybe it was a sign na din siguro na di ako nag load that day. once lang ako nag reply sakanya. after that, sumayaw na kami forever. ewan. basta.

it was time na din siguro for me to move on with my life. i have so much going on with my life. it's not fair for me to just sit at home and think of the what could have been's. i did what i had to. i did more than my fair share.

if he wants me back, he has to be worthy to be with me. he has to earn my trust.

i am not closing any door, but i am also opening up the windows. so welcome, welcome. hehe

basta ako, i am happy. i have friends who care and love me, who does not take me for granted.

i am making the most out of what i have right now. di naman ako nag mamadali to be in another relationship e. pahinga na muna. i'm emotionally drained and exhausted. enough na muna.

the man for me will come. when? i don't know. darating na lang yan.

yung tipong di na kelangan antayin o pilitin.

yududuy!

2007-02-13T18:21:00.000-08:00

2007-02-13T18:08:00.001-08:00

| Create Your Own

2007-02-13T16:17:00.001-08:00

| View Show | Create Your Own

2007-02-12T23:35:00.000-08:00

2007-02-12T18:08:00.000-08:00

kahapon, tinanong ako nung friend ko if i have a date daw on valentines day. sabi ko, wala. as k din nya kung anong plano ko since wala akong date. sabi ko naman, bar hop kami with my friends here sa office.

naloka ata xa sa sagot ko na yun kasi sabi nya; "ano? ok ka na? naka-move on ka na?"

hehe naaliw naman ako sa sinabi nyang yun. ofcourse i'm not yet totally over him yet. it's takes time to be really over a relationship. pero i'm already in process of getting over him. mas madali na kesa last time. josko, been there done that. i already know the do's and don'ts.

may sinabi din si sis kahapon na tama e. sabi nya, ayaw naman daw nya mag date just for the sake of having one. oo nga naman. ano yun, joke joke? para lang masabi na may date? wa ko bet.

i'll just enjoy my valentines with my friends. go to the bar and dance till i drop. mas aliw yun.

masarap din naman maging single e. (defensive maxado) madaming benefits. una na dun yung walang iisipin kung nagloloko ba yung jowa o kung may kasamang iba. anjan din yung kung wala man ibang babae, what if lalaki na pala yung feel nya? yuckity yuck yuck. ano yun, chick-boy? AC-DC?

basta, sarap maging single. walang sakit sa ulo.

shef, bakit parang maxado naman atang bitter ang mga pinag sasabi ko?

hmm... no, hindi ako bitter. sabi nga ni bulag, mga pangit lang ang nagiging bitter.

yun na.

2007-02-11T22:41:00.000-08:00

di ko alam kung nag papaka-bitter lang ba ako o talagang oras ng pag moment ko ngayon....

nung weekend pa kasi ako feeling sad e. ewan ko ba, parang may kulang sakin. di naman jowa (plastik na statement). iniisip ko kung nami-miss ko ba magka-jowa. yung tipong may nakakausap pag nasa mood mag inarte o pag nag iinarte lang talaga. pero, when i really come to think of it. di yun e. iba.

siguro i need something new in my life. hobby. jowa. a new interest. ewan. basta something new.

maybe i need something to inspire me. my job's already becoming a bore to me. parang maxado ng routine ang buhay. maxado ng predictable.

kelangan ko na ulit tumambay sa may dagat at makapag-isip ng maayos.

josko....

harharhar

2007-02-11T15:56:00.001-08:00

2007-02-06T18:24:00.001-08:00

You know, love is just like waiting for a bus. When the bus comes, you look at it and you say to yourself “…eee…so full… cannot sit down, I’ll wait for the next one.”

So you let that bus go and wait for the second bus. Then the second bus comes, you look at it and say, “…eee… this bus is so old…so shabby!” So you let that bus go again, decide to wait for the next bus.

After a while another bus comes. It’s not crowded, not old but you say, “…eee… not air-conditioned… better wait for the next one.”

So again you let the bus go and decide to wait for the next bus. Then the sky starts to get dark as it is getting late. You panic and jump immediately inside the next bus. It is not until much later that you found out that you have boarded the wrong bus!

So you wasted your time and money waiting for what you wanted! Even if an air-conditioned bus comes, you can’t ensure that the air-conditioned bus won’t break down or whether or not the air-conditioner will be too cold for you.

So people… wanting to get what you want is not wrong. But it wouldn’t hurt to give other people a chance, right? If you find that the “bus” doesn’t suit you, just press the red button and get off the bus (as simple as that).

Hey, who said life is fair??? The best thing to do is be observant and open while you scrutinize the bus. If it doesn’t suit you, get off. But you must always have an extra something which you could use for the next bus that comes.

But wait… I’m sure you’ve had this experience before. You saw a bus coming (the bus you want, of course), you flagged it but the driver acted as if he did not see you and zoomed past you! It just wasn’t meant for you!

The bottom line is, being loved is like waiting for the bus you want. Getting on the bus and appreciating the bus by giving it a chance depends totally on you. If you haven’t made a choice, WALK! Walking is like being out of love. The good side of it is you can still choose any bus you want… the rest who couldn’t afford another ride just have to be content with the bus they rode on.

One more thing… sometimes it’s better to choose a bus you are already familiar with rather than gamble with a bus that is unfamiliar to you. But then again, life wouldn’t be complete without the risks involved.

But there’s one bus that I forgot to tell you about – the bus that you don’t have to wait for. It will stop on its own and will ask you to come inside and take a free ride for the rest of your life.

-Author Unknown-

2007-02-06T18:08:00.000-08:00

don't go, coz i'm starting to care
Of you do, my heart's gonna die with so much despair
If you go now, where will i be?
Will i find another you, or will it just be me?

don't go, at least not just yet
Coz my days became brighter since the day we've met
you've been my star that shines so bright
you were there when no one else was in sight.

don't go coz i'll miss you
i feel crazy coz you have no clue
i can't help smiling when i'm thinking of you
but, do you feel the way i do?

don't go, coz i'm finally willing to try
i wanna know if you can make me forget how to cry
i'm just waiting for that final sign
that you're the one that'll forever be mine.

wrote this for a very special person. i'm sorry if... i know i should've given you a chance. i know it should've been you instead of him. it's just that, i followed my heart instead of my head.

i know this ain't enough, but i'm doing what i can to make it up to you... old friend.

2007-01-29T23:05:00.000-08:00

i hate not knowing what to do.

right now, they're pressuring us to make a major step that i'm not yet ready to do.

you see, the thing is, i'm really not the party going kinda chick. i may look like it, but i'm not. i love love love the simple life that provinces offer. i love looking at the sunset and being with the ocean. i am at peace here.

i don't wanna go. i didn't do it for him when it could've saved what we had back then.

it's so hard to make a decision.

i don't want the thought that i can only come back here for a short period of time. and that would be what, once or twice a year?

i promised myself that i will not live a life that revolves around work. no. career is a bouncing ball. just like what suzanne said ih her dairy for nicholas.

but somehow, i want something to change. i still don't know what it is, but i want change. yes, this is because of what happened between us. and yes, i am still very much affected by what he did.

so what am i gonna do?

que sera sera?

singin' my heart out

2007-01-28T18:12:00.000-08:00

i think this songs best explains what i am feeling right now...

Just So You Know - Jesse McCartney

I shouldn't love you, but I want too.
I just can't turn away. I shouldn't see you, but I can't move.
I can't look away.

I shouldn't love you, but I want too.
I just can't turn away.
I shouldn't see you, but I can't move.
I can't look away.

And I don't know, how to be fine when I'm not.
Cause I don't know, how to make the feeling stop.
Just so you know

This feeling's taking control of me, and I can't help it.
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now.
Thought you should know, I tried my best to let go of you,
but I don't want too.
I just gotta say it all before I go.
Just so you know.

It's getting hard to, be around you.
There's so much I can't say.
Do you want me to have the feelings?
And look the other way.

And I don't know, how to be fine when I'm not.
Cause I don't know, how to make the feeling stop.
Just so you know.

This feeling's taking control of me, and I can't help it.
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now.
Thought you should know, I tried my best to let go of you,
but I don't want too.
Just gotta say it all before I go. (Just so you know)

This emptiness is killing me, I'm wonderin' why I've waited so long.
Looking back I realize, it was always there, just never spoken.
I'm waiting here, been waiting here.

Just so you know, this feeling's take control of me,
and I can't help it.
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now.
Thought you should know, I tried my best to let go of you,
but I don't want too.
Just gotta say it all before I go.
Just so you know.
(Whoa, Just so you know, Whoa,Thought you should know.)

I tried my best to let go of you, but I don't want too.
Just gotta say it all before I go, just so you know.

Just so you know.

hay... life....

2007-01-25T22:00:00.000-08:00

i don't know how to say goodbye.

i don't wanna say goodbye.

but i have to.

coz holding on to something that no longer exists is just too painful for my fragile heart.

my heart and my mind are telling me two different things.

i don't know what to do.

i don't know what to think.

i don't wanna think.

my heart does all the thinking.

it's telling me to stay.

i can't stay.

not this time.

2007-01-25T21:07:00.000-08:00

2007-01-24T21:55:00.000-08:00

sabi ko:

it was fun chasing an illusion.
it gave me a reason to be happy even if it wasn't real.
but any chase surely has to end.
i'm just disappointed coz when it did end,
i was left with nothing but a memory of something that never existed.

sabi nya:

it is better to cry than to be angry
coz anger hurts others
while tears flow silently through the soul
and cleanses the heart.

2007-01-23T21:11:00.000-08:00

you were once a dream
a beautiful dream
i can't seem to get enough of you
the night became an intimate friend
you were there
with me

then the dream came to life
life's at its best
i couldn't ask for more
you were there
with me

i woke up
you were not a dream
you were there
with me

you used to be there
with me

now, i have to live a life full of your memories
memories that haunt me in my sleep and in my waking hours
you are not here
no longer here

i should've let you stay in my dream
you should've been just a dream.
just a dream.